I decided to clean the bathrooms. Just a quick once-over because I have company coming in. I had the balcony doors wide open to the gulf breeze and the day was warm, sunny and perfect. The word “perfect” should have been my tip off.

It was indeed warm. As my “once-over” became a sweat-drenched scrub, I realized that the temperature inside the house had warmed to something just inside the seventh ring of hell. I relented and turned on the air conditioning. And decided to make myself a cooling, protein shake. Healthy and delicious. Don’t worry. My virtuous streaks soon reap their own reward.

Now, you must watch the progression of multi-tasking at this point because it is amazing to behold. As I am making my shake, I remember that the ice maker is jammed up. A friend told me to pour hot water through it. So I did. And I know what you are thinking. Yes, I had a container on the other side catching the water as it went through. Or most of the water. And a couple of chunks of ice.

My shake is still in the blender, whirling derviliciously so I figure, “I have time.” I pour more water through. Things start to break up. Empty the container. Pour more water. A little more on the floor each time until… yes, we have de-iced.

And we also have a rather large puddle of water on the tile floor. “No problem,” said I, with a naivety that belied my advanced years. I will just do a quick mop of the floor. Check the blender. Shake gives me a reassuring nod. I grab the Swiffer Wet Jet.

The commercial flashes through my mind. The happy, slender housewife dancing with the Swiffer, cleaning her floors in the blink of an eye. Just squeeze the trigger and a stream of cleaner comes out. I squeeze. It does! They did not lie! And it comes out. And it comes out. And it comes out.

I now have waves of white foam across my kitchen floor, cabinets, baseboards. The trigger isn’t stuck; it’s just not stopping. I run for the bathroom – don’t want to waste this! I try holding the entire mechanism upside down. Still spraying, I artfully manage a lovely even mist over everything below four feet. My floors vaguely resemble the rapids in Deliverance. I mop faster and faster but the stuff keeps spraying out.

Then it taunts me. Suddenly it seems to stop spraying. I think “Good. I can just start actually mopping now…” only to have it start spraying again like a male cat doing well, what male cats do. But with a fresh, clean scent of course.

I drop the entire mop to the ground, pinning it with my foot so I can use both hands to try to leverage the canister out of its holder. It is wedged in there so tightly that the spray actually comes out with more force, even though I find it hard to believe there is anything left in there.

And it stops. I put a wooden stake through the canister, duct tape it and bury it in the trash with a clove of garlic. Can’t be too careful. I stop the blender, which by now has the tired look of a prom queen the morning after and set to mopping. And mopping. And mopping. My raccoon slippers are soaked.

I would love to tell you that my floor sparkles. And it does. If you look at the streaks in just the right light. On the plus side, if I take a running start in my socks I can slide all the way down the hall. But I know what my limitations are. I am not and never will be a dancing with a mop kind of gal. I’m okay with that. I vow to ply my guests with wine from the moment they arrive. And hope they don’t look too closely in the corners.

I have some bad new for you and I apologize in advance. You will not find empowerment at a seminar, no matter how much money you pay. You won’t find it in a book, either. You can’t LEARN empowerment, you can’t FIND empowerment, you can’t BUY empowerment. You either have it or you don’t. And more to the point, you either take it or you leave it.

Men don’t go to empowerment seminars. For most of them, there’s no need. In fact, men don’t even think about empowerment. When they accidently catch more than 30 seconds of the Lifetime Channel, they are wondering what all the fuss is about. Why? They already have power. They already have control over their lives.

You could have it too if you would just pick it up and use it. It’s there for the asking. Actually, it’s there IF you take action.

Listen, the empowerment fairy isn’t going to stop by and tap you on the head with some magic wand that will change your life. So you will have to make do with me. And here’s what I need to tell you:

Stop worrying about whether or not you’re empowered and start getting shit done. The more shit you get done, the more you accomplish, the farther ahead you are and the more powerful you are.

There. I just saved you $2,500 on some touchy-feely seminar. Now go out there and do something. Yes NOW!

And look at the reaction of the audience as she walked on that stage. A frumpy figure, seemingly past her prime, visibly summoning up her courage in a saucy walk. You can see it in the faces: The utter ridiculousness of the attempt. The eye rolls at the mention of the ancient age of 47. They were expecting a pathetic failure. They dismissed her before she began.

Then she opened her mouth and the rest was history. Was it more thrilling because of the incongruity of her ordinary looks and the passionate power of her voice? It was for me. And I bet it was for many others who belong to the ranks of the ordinary.

How many people feel as if they have missed their chance in life? Feel as if they never got their moment in the sun? Feel consigned to the scrap heap of those who must settle for their lot and be grateful for it?

Yet here comes the modest, unassuming Susan Boyle who knew, deep down, that she could blow that room away. What she didn’t know was that she would blow the world away. This lady made the world stop and take notice.

Every so often, someone comes along and knocks the world on its self-satisfied bum. Susan Boyle, probably one of the most polite people on this earth, cleaned our collective clocks. She wouldn’t be relegated to the scrap heap of “never was.” She saw a chance and grabbed it and shook the world. And she sent a wake up call to everyone who has ever given up on a dream. She reopened the realm of possibility which is where all things magical happen.

Think about the dreams that you have carried and perhaps allowed to wither. Look inside. They are still there, buried right under that nasty thing called common sense. Yes, there, just to the right of “Who do you think you are?” Dig it up. Nurture that flickering hope within you. Let it grow. Don’t listen to all the people who say no to you. Say yes to yourself.

Dream the dream

In my area of Florida, we are blessed with real estate trainers who have been in the business since the 60s and 70s. These members of the Old Guard, as I call them, keep the prices of their courses affordable — usually around $500 for two days — for the average person. More importantly, when you go to one of their seminars, they are actually TEACHING you how to do real estate, rather than bringing in ten speakers to sell you more real estate courses.

The problem is that they are low priced, not flashy, and definitely not the polished marketers you see hawking glossy, shrink-wrapped multi-media packages. They don’t have professional hucksters doing a dog and pony show two weeks before they hit town so they can fill up the local auditorium. And they don’t sell you into a $25,000 boot camp.

The reason I am so pissed off is that I have spent too much time listening to people debate whether or not they should spend $99 on a one day seminar my sig other and I are putting on this weekend. Quite frankly, I am tired of hearing that they spent literally tens of thousands of dollars with some big-name guru and now they are not sure if they should spend $99 (or $24 for a book) with someone else. The first few times I heard it, I was sympathetic and tried to give them some good sources to get inexpensive information. After all, they had just been cleaned out by the guru. But I am changing my tack. My response to them now when they are debating purchasing my (or anybody else’s) product: “Don’t buy it. Call the guru you spent all that money with and ask them for help.” And I think, “Let’s all hold our breath until he calls you back.”

Is that mean? Absolutely. But not nearly as mean as taking $30,000 from someone that you know is never going to do a real estate deal.

There is a theory that the more money someone invests in something, the more likely he is to take action. And I think that is true, up to a certain level. Marketers talk about bringing prospects into a sales funnel and developing them as clients. You start people with a relatively low-priced item, usually under $100, move them to a $300 or $500 product, then to the $1,000 level and so on. Most sales funnels as far as self-help and investing tap out at the $25,000 - $50,000 range. But, the people who end up at that level are people who are in that business, making money and looking to move themselves into the professional strata. Using a funnel system, people get a feel for what they are doing, decide if they want to continue on and self-select to take themselves to the higher priced levels. The trainer has built a relationship over time with their client and has obviously given them valuable help and information or the client wouldn’t keep spending money with them. Taking someone who is brand new to an industry, whether it is real estate, the stock market. or even acting and selling them into a $25,000 product immediately ends up breaking their bank and their confidence. It is a one-hit sale and it is a big hit.

The other side of that coin is that if something is not high-priced in today’s marketplace, it has no value. People equate price with quality. So trainers who try to keep things affordable for their clients find that they are shooting themselves in the foot. I know of one real estate guru who charges $25,000 (actually more now) and has been in the real estate speaking business for almost four years. Which coincides exactly with the real estate boom. He has no depth of experience, and certainly no experience with a down real estate market. But he is flashy and smooth, gives VIP service to his clients on all the superficial stuff like picking them up in limosines and having lunch catered. His real estate expertise is maybe two notches above his newbie clients. But because he charges so much money, people think he knows more.

From all this, you may think I am against the high prices charged for courses and boot camps. But I am changing my mind on this issue. I can tell you right now why speakers and trainers charge outrageous prices. It is because they got tired of listening to people debate over whether or not they should spend the money to educate themselves. Time is money for most of us. And spending more than ten minutes on the phone with someone who can’t decide whether or not they should spend a hundred bucks wastes more than a hundred dollars of my time. Charging $5,000 for a seminar makes it worth my time to help someone through that should I or shouldn’t I debate.

Bottom line? Well, there may be more than one here. First, if you are new to something, if you want to learn, start off by reading books on the subject. Most books are under $30 and many can be found in the library, on eBay or half.com. Meet with people in the industry. See if this is something you actually want to do and more importantly, something you have some talent for. Don’t jump into something just because there is a boom going on. If you are not in the industry and are just hearing about the boom, pretty much you have missed it. Take a long-term stance. Figure out what your interests and talents are and go in that direction.

The second bottom line? We are raising our prices for seminars and counseling. Anything that takes us out of our house is going to cost money. Why? To have someone trying to bargain us down on an already low price is insulting and wastes our time. Time is the most valuable commodity we have.

“I just can’t seem to get any traction.”

I have heard this said in some form or other from the women who come to me for coaching. They feel like their businesses and lives just aren’t going anywhere, no matter what they do.

Sometimes it is a matter of not knowing where to start. Sometimes it is a matter of not knowing where they want to go. Most get lost somewhere along the way. My job is to diagnose the problem and get my clients back on track. Typically, their problems lie within four areas.

1. Lack of focus

A lot of us take pride in being able to multi-task but research has found that multi-tasking is inefficient. We are so busy multi-tasking activities that we don’t get any completed. There’s a certain point where you have to stop giving yourself an “A” for effort and start looking for actual results. So stop trying to do eight things at once and focus on one project at a time. At first it will be hard because all the other things that you need to do keep popping into your brain. Remind them that they will get their turn.

Reinforce your focus by asking yourself these questions:

How does this activity relate to my overall business goals?
Does this activity directly lead to bringing revenue into my account, business or personal?
Is this the most important thing I can be doing at this point in time?
What is my desired end result?

If the activity you are involved in doesn’t directly address your goals and needs, you are wasting your time. As a reminder, print these questions out in large font and post them over your work space.

The other thing you need to know is that your brain can only focus for an hour or two at a time. Take breaks every hour, clear your brain for ten minutes and then go back to work. I find people get lost in the task and lose focus when they don’t take breaks.

2. Not Having A Plan

You can’t design a plan if you don’t know what you want. So start with your goal and a deadline for reaching it. Now work backwards from that goal, week by week. If you want to reach your goal in twelve weeks, where should you be by week 11? Week 10? And so on until you reach week one. What is the ground work you need to lay in order to build a strong plan? What are the materials and skills you will need? What are the milestones along the way that will let you know that you are on target for reaching your goal? Make the steps small enough to be achievable but large enough to generate real progress. Creating a series of realistic steps and benchmarks will keep you on the right path.

3. Not Following The Plan.

I have a friend who lays out a new game plan every other month or so, usually because she has been to a seminar or heard a motivational speaker. She shifts with each passing wind. She is always enthusiastic and I can hear her voice even now: “Barb, I am really making a commitment to this. I know I can do it.” I know she CAN do it, too. But I also know that she WON’T do it.

The problem is that she spends her time laying out these game plans, any one of which, if she followed through, would work. But she has no follow-through. She starts out following the plan, but within a week or two, she is off course. “Life gets in the way,” she sighs. Well, maybe her next game plan should allow for life getting in the way. I suspect she allows life to get in the way more than is necessary. She has a lack of commitment that isn’t evident at first blush. People who meet her at networking meetings think of her as totally committed to her business. She thinks of herself as totally committed to her business. But I know her better. After eight years of watching her lay out game plans that she will never play out, I know that she lacks the commitment that she needs to make her business successful.

Maybe she has a fear of success. Maybe she lacks belief in her own abilities. Maybe her life really is so disorganized that it does get in the way. But the bottom line is that with even minimal follow through, she would be making six figures right now. It is all in the follow-through.

4. Not Giving Your Plan Time To Work.

Another friend of mine recently accepted a position to take over the sales division of an internet training company. He has vast experience in this field and more importantly, he is known for being able to walk into a company and turn it around. This is his field of expertise. When I asked him how it was going, he gave a sigh. The CEO of the company had never put a sales process in place, so he was starting from scratch. On top of that, their monthly expenses are so disproportionately high that the company is always scrambling to cover the bills, jumping from project to project to bring revenue in instead of working steadily towards building a solid customer base. Does this sound like many small businesses? He said, “The company never sticks to one plan long enough for the sales process to work.”

We live in a world of instant gratification. We can get the news, weather and traffic any time, day or night. We can get cash 24 hours a day. We can order online and have it delivered tomorrow. So when we put a plan in place, whether it is marketing, developing systems, or researching new products, and don’t see results instantly, we think we are on the wrong track and abandon the plan entirely.

Plans need time to work. They need commitment from you. Will they need tweaking and adjusting? Of course. When you tweak and adjust, change only one element at a time and see if your results change. You don’t throw away the entire game plan and start fresh. Give your plan time to work.

Action Creates Traction Which Creates Momentum

Setting goals and visualizing are just the first step in your path, whether you are looking to build your business or your life. Once you have a goal, you need to establish a workable plan. The next step is the most important: You have to take directed action. And keep taking action. You are overcoming inertia. Action creates traction. When you feel yourself starting to move forward, you can see success coming and your entire psychology changes. Your confidence level goes up and you carry yourself differently, you present yourself differently. As a result of that, you are perceived differently, by your prospects, your clients, your co-workers, friends and family. They have more trust in your abilities and send you more business, give you more credit. People like a winner and they want to be with a winner. This creates momentum which gives an exponential lift to the progress you are making. Once the momentum starts rolling, you will be unstoppable.

Then it dawned on me. These kids were being taught the exact skill they will need as adults. The Florida school system is not known for turning out scholars. In fact, they teach to the test — that federally mandated basic skills test that decides if a school system is doing its job or not. The problem is that you have a lowest common denominator system and people, not just kids, tend to work up — or down — to expectations. Florida students and teachers are expected to do the minimum and the minimum is what results.

Which brings me around to the beauty of teaching these kids to beg for money. They are walking out into a non-existent job market with few skills and less ambition. They are being taught a sense of entitlement: “We need money. You have some. Give it to us.” Begging may be the best and only skill they can master.

What I would like to address is the fact that the Republicans seem to think American women would fall for the bait — voting for a woman just because she is a woman. It is insulting to our intelligence to think that we would choose gender over the capacity to lead the country. Trying to pick up Hillary supporters by choosing someone with the right genitalia but whose political views are diametrically opposite Clinton’s is the GOP’s way of saying it believes that women are interchangeable. Gee, maybe we should check to see how many of the second and third wives are younger versions of wife number one. On both sides of the aisle. Don’t believe me? Watch who they replace Palin with. It will be someone like Charlie Crist of Florida — tanned, beautifully coiffed and photogenic. What? You thought Dan Quayle made the cut because of his SAT scores?

The Republicans thought they could get away with throwing in a stereotype instead of a qualified candidate for a very good reason: it works. The American public has an alarming tendency to vote for types, particularly photogenic types, instead of paying attention to actual issues. Most people spend more time planning their yearly vacation than investigating the views and issues of presidential candidates. We judge the candidates on looks and twenty second sound bites. Both parties are aware of this and that is why they are able to sling mud, tell outrageous lies (think Max Cleland) and get away with it. They know that no one is going to check or care.

If you are worried about the direction that the country is heading in, if you are suffering from the results of the collapsing economy, and if you are unhappy with politics as usual, it is up to you to do the hard work and make a difference.

I have known since I was a little kid that there were certain guys I could not even HOPE to attract. When the Beatles were big, most of the girls had crushes on Paul. I also had a crush on Paul but I always told people I had a crush on Ringo, considered the least attractive of the Fab Four. Even as a child, I knew I wasn’t attractive enough to get the popular guy. (Of course, if I had any concept of how much money he was pulling in and how wealth makes people suddenly attractive, I would have known that Ringo was out of my league, too.)

As an adult I learned that this was a predominantly female phenomenon (say that three times fast). Men, no matter how unattractive, stupid and broke, for some reason think they have a chance with supermodels. I think stupid would be the key personality trait for this phenomenon.

I bring this up because new research from the University of Texas, Austin proves what I have known since I was seven. (I hope they didn’t get research money for this – they could have just called me.)
David Buss, psychology researcher at the university said, “When reviewing the qualities they desire in romantic partners, women gauge what they can get based on what they got, and women who are considered physically attractive maintain high standards for prospective partners across a variety of characteristics.”

But the romantic aspect is small potatoes compared with the earning prospects of unattractive women. Studies show that unattractive women are promoted less often and with less salary increase than their attractive counterparts to a much greater degree by women superiors than by their male counterparts.

In other words, it isn’t a case of just men promoting attractive women over unattractive women, women do it too and they do it more often. I would venture that women do this because they understand the psyche of women. Unattractive women expect less and are willing to accept less, whether it is a boyfriend or a career.

Back when I was producing shows, I remember overhearing two of my cast members talking about another actress. Apparently the third woman was less attractive than the other two and she had the gall to stand up for herself when she was being pushed around on a minor issue. The other two were up in arms. The basic message from them was, “She is overweight and unattractive. She should make more of an effort to be nice and appeasing.” Translation: Fat people must be funny and happy, otherwise more attractive people won’t tolerate them. For the record, I never hired those two witches again. But they were verbalizing a basic truth: unattractive people are discriminated against, consciously and unconsciously.

In this climate where people trip all over themselves to be politically correct, no one wants to say that looks matter. But the truth is, looks matter. They are a component in your happiness quotient, they are definitely a HUGE component in your success in life, both financially and romantically.

Fortunately for most of us, attractiveness is also subjective and varies widely, not just from country to country, but state to state. In addition, people we like become more attractive in our eyes. I thought this was a uniquely female characteristic, but over the years I have found that men have this capacity, too. So your actual physical looks have less to do with attractiveness than people’s perception of your looks.

So if you are not as attractive as you want to be (and women are MUCH more self-critical than men are on this), what can you do? I was thinking I could use this data to support writing off a boob job, liposuction and face lift as a legitimate business expense. And I think I could do it, too! But that may be a little extreme.

The first thing you can do is start thinking of yourself as attractive because studies show that what we expect is directly related to how we feel about ourselves. So, expect more. Second, exude an air of confidence. Take that list of accomplishments that I had you write down (Day 2 of Love Taps: http://www.dontmakemeslapyou.com/lovetaps.htm) and go through it – every day if necessary. Remind yourself of your successes, skills and experience and arm yourself with that knowledge before you go out to do battle. People trust and buy from people who are sure of themselves. Confidence is attractive.

The third thing is to make yourself more attractive. This is not sexist: this goes the same for men as for women. Take a look at how the successful people in your industry dress, how they wear their hair, what kind of watches they wear and what kind of briefcases they carry. Use them as models. People are attracted to people who are like them. You don’t have to go in for plastic surgery though you shouldn’t feel guilty if you get it, either. But in order to advance, you need to put yourself up at least one level in dress and behavior. (Somewhere I can hear my mother saying, “Stand up straight.”)

If you needed to take a continuing education course to be eligible for a promotion or to keep up with your industry standards, you would spend the money to do it. This is the same thing. Take your emotions out of it. Take away your sense of what is fair and what is not fair. This is business. This is your money and your future. So shoulders back, lipstick on, ego intact. You now have another weapon in your arsenal for success. You.

Think about it. The Vice President gets the call sign Air Force Two, but he is basically in the same plane as Air Force One. The Veep attends all the best parties and state dinners. He gets a personal chef, a staff, and limousine service. I don’t know for sure, but I am willing to bet that Dick Cheney isn’t folding towels, picking up a gallon of milk or carrying the pooper-scooper when he walks the dog.

Every so often, a rare occasion indeed, the Vice President is sent over to Congress to break a tie in the Senate. How tough can that be? If you really can’t make up your mind, borrow a coin from someone and flip it. It may be the most honest way a vote has been decided in this country in eight years. Don’t forget, for that service the salary is around $200,000 a year and the medical plan and retirement benefits are outstanding.

The downside to the Vice Presidency is that you are the person sent out to all those state funerals. Kind of a bummer. But since you probably didn’t know the deceased personally, how bad can you feel? Just look sad for an hour, offer your condolences and hope that there is good food back at the house.

The beautiful thing about being Vice President is that nobody really cares who you are or what you are doing. I mean, sure, the President doesn’t want you to be too ambitious, but pretty much you could go shopping on Fifth Avenue and no one would recognize you. Best of all, nobody shoots at the vice president. Now, from time to time, the Vice President may take a shot at someone, but if you are the Vice President, you can pretty much get away with it by apologizing and sending a bottle of good Scotch.

I am, of course, saving the best thing about being Vice President for last. Does anyone know where the Vice President lives? I do. The Vice President’s residence is at the U.S. Naval Observatory. Think about this. I am a middle-aged single woman. Imagine getting plunked down smack-dab in the middle of all those young, Navy guys. Oh, yeah.

I would like to state here and now that I want the job of Vice President and I am announcing my candidacy for Vice President of the United States. Since I am registered as an Independent, I am open to offers from any and all nominees. And I promise I won’t be bucking for your job.

I started thinking about one of my friendships which is hitting its seventh year. It started out as semi-romantic. My buddy was going through a rough patch in his marriage and needed someone to talk to. Really, he needed someone to assure him that he was attractive and worthwhile and not a loser, which was the feedback he was getting in his relationship. Early in the relationship we did a lot of talking, spent a lot of time together, skipped the physical (smart move), and developed a strong buddy relationship.

Over the years our relationship has changed. I went from having a tremendous crush on him to a different kind of love. I got to the point where I could love him without wanting to have him for my own, an almost pure love where I can just accept and appreciate him the way he is without wanting more. He is my friend and I love him and can overlook his flaws and hangups and hope that he overlooks mine.

But I would have to admit that the attention and appreciation between us has fallen off. He has discovered that I am not a genius (I hate that) and I have discovered that he is not “all that and a bag o chips”. Add to that the fact that he has a wife and family who get his first and most immediate attention, which is the way it should be. Maybe having the kids is part of what interfered with the friendship; he has less time, more pressure, whatever. I have been relegated to a secondary rung in his life. There is less time together, less confiding.

I see the same thing happening in my friends’ marriages. Jobs and kids and the day-to-day reality of making a living take our attention. Maybe we know each other too well. Maybe we think there is nothing left to discover. We know each others flaws. We start anticipating the other’s reaction, assume we know what they are feeling and stop asking what they think about things. There are no surprises left; we are attracted to the shiny and new, not the old and known.

A friend wrote about marriage, “I think often it is just one person that stops seeking in a marriage or forgets to wake up one morning and realize that they are more in love AND share that with the person they love.”

Replace the word marriage with friendship and I can understand what it is like to reach out and find nothing there. Gestures that your loved one would gush about if an acquaintance did them don’t get a mention when you do them. Little things you do to please them are taken as something owed to them.

Love is never equal. One always gives more than the other. You are not supposed to count or measure or keep score in a relationship. But when one person is constantly reaching out, appreciating, making the effort and gets no response or is rebuffed by their partner, they stop trying out of self-preservation, embarrassment, hurt. You get tired of being rejected or ignored.

At what point in a relationship do you stop appreciating the things that your partner does for you? At what point do you stop doing things for your partner because you know that the effort won’t be appreciated or even remarked upon?

Dan Fogelberg asked, “How do you make love stay?”

It sounds trite to say you have to fight for a relationship. It takes two people putting in the effort to make a relationship work. But if one side isn’t stepping up to the pump, the other has to at least have the conversation and point it out. That is probably somewhere in year three. There is a lot of suffering in silence by both sides of a relationship and someone has to say something. Left alone, by year five, people realize the futility of pointing it out to the other side, give up, work out their separate peace and lead half-lives. And as an outsider looking in, all I can say is that is a crappy way to live your life. I know a lot of men and women who are in relationships like that because it is still better to have someone, even if it is a half-dead relationship, than to be alone. And maybe a half-life is better than no life.

So how do you fix it? Or do you just accept it as one of life’s realities and let it ride?

I think one of the most overlooked words in wedding vows is the word “cherish”. People are fragile. Life is fragile. Maybe one reason why my parents’ marriage worked was that my dad had serious health issues and we all realized how precious our time was together. We knew he could be taken away at any moment. My parents worked as a team. They had a partnership that was based on shared goals, respect and most importantly, communication. To the end they were considerate of each other and more importantly, showed appreciation for each other.

I don’t know why the politeness and consideration we give to acquaintances, even strangers, gets lost in a relationship. The truth is, you say things to people you know well – especially family — that you would never say to acquaintances or even new friends. You reach a comfort level with friends and loved ones that allows you to be honest. But honesty does not allow you to be cruel, neglectful or inconsiderate.

Unfortunately, day to day proximity allows people to slide into bad habits. It is like the gradual creeping on of pounds. A weight gain of ten pounds over the course of a year may not cause alarm bells. Three years and thirty pounds later, you should take notice. Something can still be done. At five years and fifty pounds, the situation can seem too hard to overcome. Just like losing weight, it is best to take care of the problem when it is small and easy to overcome. Optimally, the conversation about the way you are treating each other should start early in the relationship and be revisited on a regular basis to keep the relationship on track. Also, people have to have a level of honesty to admit that it is happening. If you don’t talk about it, it just feeds on itself and you end up being two people leading separate lives. Which is not what a relationship should be.

The problem is that the longer the situation goes on, the more initiating the conversation seems like just another opportunity to be shot down. So no one is brave enough to start the conversation. But like gaining weight, the situation is not going to stay at the same level. It will get worse. No matter how far along you are in the relationship, it is worth risking the conversation. If it fails, at least you know where you stand and can make your decisions from there. But if it succeeds, you have given your relationship a whole new life and have re-started it at a higher threshold. You took a risk getting into the relationship; you may as well take at least one more risk to save it.