ANNOUNCING MY CANDIDACY FOR VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Texas) in an interview this week went on record, doing that little dance that politicians do, claiming that the job of Vice President is not something she wants. Hillary Clinton doesn’t want the job, neither does Barack Obama, Mike Huckabee, or Mitt Romney. Florida Governor Charlie Crist may want the job, but he is playing it coy. What are they, stupid? That is the best job in the United States.
Think about it. The Vice President gets the call sign Air Force Two, but he is basically in the same plane as Air Force One. The Veep attends all the best parties and state dinners. He gets a personal chef, a staff, and limousine service. I don’t know for sure, but I am willing to bet that Dick Cheney isn’t folding towels, picking up a gallon of milk or carrying the pooper-scooper when he walks the dog.
Every so often, a rare occasion indeed, the Vice President is sent over to Congress to break a tie in the Senate. How tough can that be? If you really can’t make up your mind, borrow a coin from someone and flip it. It may be the most honest way a vote has been decided in this country in eight years. Don’t forget, for that service the salary is around $200,000 a year and the medical plan and retirement benefits are outstanding.
The downside to the Vice Presidency is that you are the person sent out to all those state funerals. Kind of a bummer. But since you probably didn’t know the deceased personally, how bad can you feel? Just look sad for an hour, offer your condolences and hope that there is good food back at the house.
The beautiful thing about being Vice President is that nobody really cares who you are or what you are doing. I mean, sure, the President doesn’t want you to be too ambitious, but pretty much you could go shopping on Fifth Avenue and no one would recognize you. Best of all, nobody shoots at the vice president. Now, from time to time, the Vice President may take a shot at someone, but if you are the Vice President, you can pretty much get away with it by apologizing and sending a bottle of good Scotch.
I am, of course, saving the best thing about being Vice President for last. Does anyone know where the Vice President lives? I do. The Vice President’s residence is at the U.S. Naval Observatory. Think about this. I am a middle-aged single woman. Imagine getting plunked down smack-dab in the middle of all those young, Navy guys. Oh, yeah.
I would like to state here and now that I want the job of Vice President and I am announcing my candidacy for Vice President of the United States. Since I am registered as an Independent, I am open to offers from any and all nominees. And I promise I won’t be bucking for your job.